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10 With Punts

In the third edition, Punter goes one-on-one with his old mate Funky (Shane Vanin):

Punts: Knackers!

Funky: Hello Big Boy.

P: I’ve been a bit pushed to get this next edition out, so thought I’d go with someone who was guaranteed to make the writing easy.

F: What are you implying Skinny Boy?

P: Nothing more than you have many many stories.

F: True.

P: I even got accosted out in the field on Saturday by the Hulkster saying he keeps clicking on 10 With Punts and is continually disappointed.

F: Perhaps he wouldn’t have hassled you if you'd held your catches.

P: I’ll accept that, and for the last time apologise. After 12 hours on the p..s, 8 hours gambling and 4 hours sleep it was a fair effort wasn’t it?

F: Punter, if it was a Bundy & Coke from the night before you would have swallowed it!

(For those not at the game last Saturday, I spilled an absolute SODA in slips. The funny thing was I actually caught it, but because I had no feeling in my hands – and 95% of my body after getting home at 6.30 that morning – I didn’t think I had it properly and started fumbling and juggling it like an idiot!)

P: Moving on! Most of us already know more about you than what we wish to, but for the others it’s time to answer a few questions.

F: Fire away!

P: Favourite Sport (other than cricket)?

F: Footy and Golf

P: Favourite personal cricketing moment?

F: Would have to be taking 7/19 in Rd 3 of the 00/01 season.

P: And the story behind that?

F: I hadn’t even rolled the arm over at training as it was my first game of that season after coming home from an overseas holiday. To give you some idea of how I was, it included many a drinking session in Greece, the Greek Islands, at Munich (Oktoberfest), plus a few sessions of drugs and alcohol in Amsterdam.

P: Any canary’s in Amsterdam also?

F: Not from any of my fox holes!

P: Once heard a story from a mate of mine over there, where there is an act in a particular club with a girl who goes by the name of “Bat Girl”, and it’s got nothing to do with the fact she wears a mask and has her undies on the outside!

F: Wouldn’t surprise me over there mate.

P: Surely there’s another great cricketing moment you’re overlooking…

F: Yes, giving Ivan Greaves out LBW a few years ago was a good one – and he’s still not happy about it and vows he will get me back for it one day!

P: I think we all enjoy that one. Do you consider gays in the military a good thing, and do you think they should be made to wear khaki pants that could potentially stifle their individual artistic flair?

F: No good for the army.  What hope would they have protecting our Country whilst in the trenches?  In regards to the pants, if they decide to let ‘em in, they shouldn’t be issued with khaki pants.  After all, my taxes pay for them and they’ll only end up taking them off and leave them behind when prancing away from the enemy.

P: What’s your idea of the perfect first date?

F: A happy ending, ala a rub & tug establishment, but with more than a rub and from a female!

P: Gee, you must really have em lining up at the moment mate if you are taking regular trips to the Rose! You and Benny Lechte would be on frequent flyer points there wouldn’t ya?!

F: A man has needs Punter.

P: Duck got to run, Horse got to swim!

F: You got it

P: Strangest place you’ve thrown a leg over? 

F: On a park bench on the bank of the Yarra River, across the road from the Warrandyte Pub. It was after a date with an ex.  I still lived at home with the folks then, so anywhere was good enough.

P: Let’s say you are meeting the boys at the Warrandyte Pub before going to the big game that arvo. You are feeling crook from the night before. You haven’t eaten in 24 hours, so you must have a meal. You have booked your table and sit down for a counter’ie, only to discover the pub is out of all meals except for:

Risotto, Cream of Broccoli Soup, Lambs Fry and a Vegetarian Pie with Cucumber Mash. What meal would you order and why, and what drink would you order to accompany the meal?

F: Definitely a lambs fry ‘cos there’s nothing like a nice fatty meal to get you back on your game.  Drink would have to be a fresh frothy as it would be 10 times better than your first beer when you get to the footy out of a can.

P: Strangest thing you’ve ever eaten?

F: Dawn Walker – she was a strange, strange girl that one!

P: Haha. I may have to re-edit that question for future additions, and substitute “food” for “thing”! Looking forward to the end-of-season golf trip this year?

F: Indeed, always a good time. I encourage all to get along.

P: So they can see you sleeping?

F: I’d had a long night Punter, and paid dearly for missing the round!

P: You sure did - $50 and 4 Jugs if I remember correctly! Just a reminder to all those reading this that deposits are now due – so see me with them ASAP. Come along for a great time if you haven’t already signed up (Phil A!). Sign-Up sheet is next to the bar!

P: Now I’ve saved this one till last, as I know you must have a beauty: What is your best ever drinking effort?

F: Well, it all started at 11am on New Years Day 1999.  Whilst sitting around the Caravan Park in Warrnambool with some mates, me & my mate Bert thought that the only way we were going to get over our hangover from the previous evening was to start drinking.  The first sip we had went down like nails, so we decided that a funnel would be a nice, quick, easy way to knock the first one over and then we’d be primed to go for the rest of the day.  Well, one funnel turned into 2, then 3, then 4 etc. etc. whilst still consuming stubbies in between each funnel.

Whilst all this was going on the other boys with us were sitting around watching proceedings and the entertainment they were getting was worth the entry fee.  Turtle was there too, but he was still lamenting the fact that he’d missed out on seeing some beaver the morning before ‘cos he couldn’t put his contact lenses in quick enough, and to top it off, was also furious because some scoundrel had smeared his most hated food on his pillow – vegemite….which he didn’t realise ‘till the next morning when he woke up smelling of it and looking like Leon Davis.

Anyway, by 3pm Bert & I were well & truly off our proverbial dials after many funnels – we were in great form.  So great that word got around the caravan park that these 2 clowns were so pissed you should go and check them out.  They came, they saw and they went after seeing beer Olympics, were verbally abused and some even had potatoes thrown at them.  Don’t know where the spuds came from ‘cos none of the boys in our campsite bought any vegies along with them. 

Anyway, tea time came along and Whitey decided in his wisdom that ‘cos we were in no state to be going anywhere, it would be best for Bert & I to stay home after 17 & 19 funnels (a new record at the time) respectively plus ‘tweeners, and go to bed for a kip while the rest of the boys went to the pub for some grub.  So, off they went, and upon their return, nothing could have prepared them for what they were about to discover.

Although it hadn’t been raining, there was a raging torrent flowing through the communal tent we slept in.  Cookies sleeping bag & lilo was sopping wet, Turtles pillow had been cleaned of the vegemite and there were 10 unhappy campers - literally.  Their accommodation for the night had been saturated by urine!  From all reports, it was like a tsunami had hit.  Mayhem had struck, the boys squatted in cars for the night and abuse was being hurled left, right and centre.  Then Whitey noticed that one of the funnel participants was still in there, so he took on the elements and raced in there to save him.  He was alive – just, unconscious and with his eyes rolling around in his sockets. Whitey dragged him out and thought he’d take him for a cold shower to wake him up.  With assistance from Phantom, they proceeded to the shower block where on their way they found the other funnel participant taking a dump in our food tent.  So, he too was dragged to the shower block for a scrub.

My last memories of that night before being bundled into bed are of Whitey saying: “you two are a disgrace, now hold the toilet paper up and show me so I know your arse is clean”.

Needless to say Bert & I received frosty receptions the next morning!

P: Hahaha. Brilliant. Knew you wouldn’t let me down with that one. That it a great note to finish on, but any final comments you’d like to add?

F: I’d like to know who’s got all the photos that were taken for the Men of Glen Waverley Hawks CC Calendar a few years ago.  Unfortunately it didn’t go ahead, but it would be good to find them & post them on this site for those who didn’t see the Briginshaw boys together half naked, wearing make up on a piano seat?

P: MEMO: HAWKS MEMBERS – these photos must be found!

P: Cheers Snoozy.

F: No problems Skinny Boy.