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1.   What’s your full name and what are you currently up to (this is your only chance to shamelessly plug yourself)

            Kevin Patrick Bruno Nolan, Bruno is my confirmation name, he was a Saint who looked after all the drunks and prostitutes………pretty prophetic stuff hey!

            I am the Head Honcho of a major corporation called Mega Trim Motor Trimming,   we repair and restore Car interiors, automotive and Marine Upholstery specialising in Hot Rods, Custom and Vintage Cars.

2.   The Hawks use to enter a team in a twilight competition – tell us a little of how we performed

            We were a drunken rabble; it was the most enjoyable Cricket we ever played!  We went many years without winning a game until beating St Leonard’s in a thriller.   There were some massive tommy's hit in that era as the plan of attack was to smash every ball you faced into orbit.  Some of the real highlights included the whole team wearing ‘I hate Hayden Bristow T Shirts’, Powelly hitting a tommy off the last ball of the game to win the match, co incidentally it was the first ball he faced as well, me opening the bowling (I was the captain) to the amusement of the rest of the team             and cart wheeling some peckers middle stump with the first ball, Hayden Bristow giving me out Caught Behind even though I never even got any where near the ball, his reason was that I ‘ was batting Boring’. We did make the Grand Final one year with Slugger as Captain but got soundly thrashed. Twilight was the best Cricket ever (he says wiping a tear from his cheek)

Under the current incentives system, how many drink cards do you think you would've staked claim to in your prime?

      None, the fascists that ran the club never picked me in the firsts despite my obvious talent as a Batsman/Keeper. I’m a little like Darren Berry, under appreciated and un loved by selectors! Then again, I never really had a prime……………

4.   What was your greatest moment you achieved as a Hawks cricketer?

      Without a doubt it was ‘That Catch’ Running with the flight of the ball, diving full stretch about 4 feet off the ground, miraculous stuff.  You can take or leave the solitary 5 wicket haul, the 4 catches as a sub fielder, the 6 dismissal’s as a keeper, the 2 centuries (one batting at number 8) Others can achieve the same feats, no one in history will ever take a catch better than that gem.  Ask anyone who played in that game, it was the stuff legends are made of!

5.   Who where the greatest players you saw at the club?

            The best Batsman had to be Forey in full flight, John and Juzzie Goddard were both stars, Dave Huntington was cool calm and collected. Bowlers would be CJ who was a cold blooded killer and worked well in tandem with Bish, Flea (Glen Davies) was the best spinner I saw at the club. Under rated players I played with were Bob Sipthorpe and Domonic Sciortino, Cut loose Cuddon on his day could destroy any attack.  As much as it pains me, Hayden Bristow was also a great bowler…………Mahn's who just keeps producing year in and year out and Matty Silva who is probably the best all rounder the club has ever had, it's a pity he was a pissant most of the time he was at his prime!"

       6.  How did you cope opening the batting with much younger and more talented players such as Shaun Craig?

      I didn’t cope well at all, thankyou for asking.  Two little pint size maggots go out to face the first few overs. Sean would effortlessly caress a couple to the boundary or just nudge them into gaps for easy singles whilst at the other end I would be flailing away wildly, desperate to make contact.  It wouldn’t be long before the opposing Captain and Wicket keeper would have a chat that went something along the lines of…

      “Well, we will never get the one in the White Helmet out, lets concentrate on the one in the Green Helmet”

      Sean would again find an easy single and get me on strike and then it would start…….

      ‘C’mon boys, fire up, here's our chance, the retards facing now, get ready for the catch, here it comes………’

7.    What is the funniest thing you have seen on a cricket field?

During training one day, on a wet outfield, we were taking high catches.  I went for one, slipped over flat on my back and the ball, from a great height, crashed into my directly testicles folding me up like a cheap suit.  I tried to get up and looked for some help but all I saw were 40 other blokes lying on the ground pissing them selves laughing.  CJ still says it’s the funniest thing he has ever seen in his life!

8.   You’ve had your fair share of T.V appearances – tell us what T.V shows you have appeared on and your memories of each one

Perfect Match, resplendent with Perm Mullet.  I wore Wayne de Fragas suit and my Mum had to take the pants up a couple of inches with a little take up stitch that could easily be removed later.  I gave the suit back to Wayne who wore it to a wedding, not realising the pants had been altered and he spent the whole day with his dacks 3 inched above his ankles.  I can remember Kerry Friend being heaps better looking in person than on TV!

I went on ‘Have A Go’ with Jonno and Danno, got gonged off.  Some little kid won with his pet dog, got over the line with the cute factor, I wanted to bash the little shit!

Press your Luck, No whammys, No whammys, I remember the show sucked and never got to air!  I won nothing………..

Dog Eat Dog, that was great fun.  They told us if we weren’t prepared to be nasty to each other then we may as well go home, I said “I don’t think that will be a problem”

I came out with some great one liners that day. Most of which were cut from the show.  There was a rather rotund, stupid chick from NSW on the show.  I said things such as…..

“She's a beast and a complete waste of space’

When asked who I would least like to be stranded on a desert island with I said ‘Erin, I would have to kill her after 15 minutes, then again, I suppose I could live off the blubber for 10 years’

She got a question wrong about Stomachs and I said “If anyone should know about stomachs, it should be Erin!”

There was another bloke on the show who was quite in love with himself and I suggested that ‘He was the type of bloke who looks at photos of himself while he’s masturbating’

They cut that bit for some reason!  Dog Eat Dog was great fun!

I was also Champ for 2 nights and appeared on 3 shows of Wheel of Fortune, which was great fun.  Had my photo taken with Sophie Faulkner, she is Super Hot and really nice as well.  Rob Elliott was fun as well.  During one round I asked for  ‘T for Tosser’ There was a moment of stunned silence as I realised what I had said.  During the break Rob said ‘Are you trying to get me F*****g sacked????  Next round I opened with “I’ll have a S for Sorry please Rob’  I won about 8 grands worth of stuff including the main prize for solving the last puzzle, a Cappuccino machine, not bad for someone who has never had a cup of tea or coffee in his life.

9.    Who is the most famous person you have met?

I have bumped into a few including Damien Oliver, Robert Allenby who I made watch my Tee shot at Huntingdale one day, Aaron Baddely, Simon Madden (who said he was my Mate!), Kevin Sheedy, I played Gaelic Football for Victoria with Jim Stynes, I also, accidentally, punched Stynes in the face during a game.  I have had short conversations with Jeff Kennett, John Daly, Tom Watson, Ian Baker Finch, Mike Clayton, Fluff Cowan (Tiger Woods original caddy) Wayne Grady, Brad Hughes sends me porn via e-mail some times but by far the most famous person I have met and have a photo with him is the great man, film star Ron Jeremy!

10.  If someone was going to play the part of Kev Nolan in a movie about your life story, who would it be?

Early years would be Macauly Culkin as I was the type of kid every one wanted to bash, mid years, The teenage years by Michael J Fox as he’s the right height and had the same attitude as me in Family Ties (He was right, everyone else was wrong), The Adult years by Wes Snipes so I could beat the shit out of any one I wanted or Adam Sandler because I’m a twit and the future years by Rodney Dangerfeild because that’s how I think I’ll look in later life. In fact, I think you could just get the same bloke who will play Warnie in a film about his life and he will be just right!

11.    Which player at the club (past or present) deserves a smack in the mouth and why?

Ivan and Jarrod need one for not organising the Golf Day but that’s a separate issue so I won’t mention them.  Over the years there's been a few, JD, Bocker, Hayden Bristow, Maggott, Rhett Davidson, Chris Atkins,  Donny Thirathuran, Michael Robbins but all in all it’s probably me because I’m a friggin loud mouth and I should know when to shut up but I don’t.

12.  You grew up in one of the greatest eras of mullets ever. How good was your mullet and what effort did   you go to in order to cultivate it?

It was more a shrine than a hair cut.  I still remember the days of the long flowing golden locks. The Whorehouse cut as I used to call it, Business in the front and party at the back.  I went from the plain Mullet, the classic 7, to a gem of a Permullet that had wavy blonde curls with a gelled slick back across the ears.  Man, I was so sexy, those chicks at Derbys didn’t stand a chance!

13. Have you ever been arrested? If so why?

Here we go, it only took 13 questions right!  Yes, a couple of times.  Once for walking home naked from the Mountain View after winning an Indoor Cricket Grand Final, I was accompanied by a few others who I won’t incriminate you.  I fell over as well, cutting my arms pretty badly.  When I got home at 6 AM and went to bed, my Mum came and woke me up about ½ hour later to go to work, she said ‘What happened to your arms’ ‘I fell over’ I replied “When “ she asked “Not long before I got arrested” came the witty reply  Short pause before she said “You make me sick, get up!”

Also once after a presentation night I got a little full and had a blue with my Girlfriend of the time at the after party at Forrester’s Arms, I got chucked in the Divvy Van and they took me out the back and started doing donuts in the car park to rough me up a little.  However, being a Trimmer, I was used to working in cars and I wedged my self between the Wheel Arches and enjoyed the ride whilst opening the slab of beer the cops had put in the back and helping myself to a can.  When I got out as the station, can in hand, I got the thrashing of my life from 2 unhappy Constables.  The funny thing was, as I found out later through some others, one copper did his knee throwing me in the Van and had to have a reconstruction and the other cut his hand on my teeth when he smacked me and it got infected and he spent a week in hospital.  I never got charged with anything as they had given me a hiding so I got off with a few (read many) bruises and a black eye!

14   What is your biggest achievement off the field?

Kids first, nothing beats the thrill of being a Dad, I hope I can be a good one for a long time yet.

Successful business during very trying times, I have worked hard for what I have got.

I would like to think that most people see me as someone they can trust and that I have been a good friend to a lot of people.

15.  Who would you least like to see naked?

Anyone would look good in my current drought but for some reason Kim Beasley jumped into my head………quickly followed by Amanda Vandstone…..yuck. With people that I know, probably Big Bish, I’m happy with the portion I was handed but there’s no point being shamed by another human, the blokes a freak!

16.  Has Kev Nolan ever

-     Gotten drunk with Tony Antrobus? Kinda, I dribbled some crap at him one night, he’s a dick!

-     Signed an autograph? Yeah, a couple of times actually, I thought it was a set up when some kid asked me during a footy game for Mt Waverley but I did it anyway, there was no way I was going to pass that up!  The other time was in Perth when I played Senior Gaelic Football and Hurly for Victoria and signed some Ladies book, she must have mistaken me for a good player!

-     Owned a Billy Joel Cd?  Nope, my music tastes are eclectic but not crap!    

-     Prostituted himself for a free bed for the night ? I wish, any port in a storm is looking good right now!  In fact I think I think I may be Bi Sexual, if things keep going the way they are, I might have to buy sex!

-     Been kicked out of a club? Too many times to make it a valid question……

17.   Who are your best mates from the club?

I have plenty of great mates at the club and in no particular order, Muff, Flea, Scotty, Forey, Slugger, Clubber, Mahn’s and Maryanne, Powelly, Bisho, CJ, Franky Banner, Tony Medina, Richard Emslie, Pappy, Punter, Bradels, Googah, no doubt I have left someone obvious off here. 

There are many others that I count as good mates like Punter, Juzzie, Pickers, Herbie , Turtle, Nige, Yohie, Cuddles, H, Maggott,there are too many to mention,  I have made countless friends from this magnificent club

18.  You grew up with the Battlers Prince Glen Mahoney – What’s the craziest thing you ever saw the Battlers Prince do in his young and reckless days?

The Battlers Prince put away copious amounts of Amber Fluid on Melbourne Cup Day one year and as I was living with him at the time I was lucky enough to witness this drunken moment.  Forey (our other house mate) and I were sitting in the lounge when Mahn’s appeared at the kitchen door with a stupid grin on his face.  From behind his back, he produced about 10 eggs in his giant paws………. Forey and I just ran for cover as eggs started whizzing around our scones, Forey and I ended up jumping out a window as Mahn’s turned the lounge into an un cooked omelette.  He duly passed out on the floor and we dragged this still breathing corpse to bed.  He awoke, rather seedy I might add, the next day completely unaware as to his previous nights efforts.  When I suggested he go look in the lounge, he returned to his room and sheepishly replied “I’ll clean it up later”

Classic stuff!

19.    Name the three highlights and three lowlights of Kev Nolan’s life

Highlight

-     Kids, easy, nothing compares to having kids

-     Having great friends, some of my friends have been very important to me and that’s something I will always cherish, I have leant on certain people for support and they have always been there to help me, no questions asked!

-     Travelling overseas was great, I spent a short period of my life travelling, sowing my wild oats and hoping like hell for crop failure!

Lowlights

-     Marriage breakdown is the worst thing that has ever happened to me but I’m hoping it will work out better in the long run for all of us

-     My dog died earlier this year, I had her for 13 years and she was practically by my side for that whole time, I miss her so much and I was heartbroken when I had to have her put down.

-     A bloke that worked for me died on his way to work one day, that was a shattering experience.

 20.      Any chance of a comeback?

I might be cohersed into a couple of one day games but the main focus is getting my handicap into single figures, currently 11.1.  With golf, if I play a shit shot, I get to have another go, with cricket if (that should read when) I play a crap shot, I go sit down and score for everyone else!

And just because its Kev and we have the longest “Blast from the Past” segment ever, if your still reading here is a BONUS hidden Question :

      What's the worst thing you ever did in a game

During a very spiteful match with Nunawading I was captain and keeping, some young bloke was smashing every 2nd ball he faced for 6 and they were going miles over the rope, we looked sure to get beaten when this bloke tried to pull a ball, got the top edge and it smashed into his face which duly exploded into a bloody mess.  He hit the deck mid pitch screaming and crying, I told everyone not to touch him, had the ball thrown back to me where I calmly took the bails off, appealed, got the verdict and then said 'OK, boys, help him off, he's out!"

It was a shocking thing to do but we won the game and he didn't die so everything turned out OK in the long run!